Gender norms disrupted my daughter's first friendship

My daughter's best friend stopped being available for playdates with her. 
His mom told me it was because his dad wanted him to have more male friends.
It's disappointing that in this day and age, girls and boys can't be friends.

As an only child, my daughter was cautious about making friends. Once she decided someone was friend-worthy, she was all-in. So it was doubly devastating when her first friend — a boy she met in preschool — broke up with her.

Unfortunately, the experience reinforced that gender-coded stereotypes still exist.

The breakup started when the boy suddenly became "unavailable." His mother canceled and never rescheduled several playdates — all with good excuses. But the cancellations weren't lost on my daughter.

The breakup was forever, and not a decision the boy made

I consoled my daughter with the thought that the boy's mom was probably busy. But after three weeks with no new playdates scheduled, I asked the mom at school pickup what was going on. I never expected the mother to nervously whisper that there "won't be another playdate."

"What?! Why?" I exclaimed, my mind racing to determine any violation of playdate etiquette I might have inadvertently committed.

"It's not your daughter," she continued quickly. "My son adores her." She paused, looking down at her feet. "It's my husband — I'll call to explain, but it's not personal."

But it was. Essentially, the father had decided it was time for his son to play only with boys. "You know, your daughter can be kind of bossy," the mom said in the conclusion of her explanation.

Initially, I felt sorry for the mom as she fumbled over the explanation, sounding tearful. But the bossy comment sent me over the edge.

I chose my words carefully: "I would prefer to say my daughter has a clear vision of what she wants rather than call her bossy." As my composure slipped, I added, "And your son hasn't seemed to mind her taking the lead in their playdates."

"I know. I know. That's just it. We want him to be more assertive," she said.  

There were a thousand things I wanted to say at this point: First, that in this day and age, boys and girls should be able to play together without judgment. Second, in a nod to Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In," why are girls labeled "bossy" and boys described with more positive adjectives, such as "assertive" or "confident"? Third, why should it matter if a girl is more assertive and a boy is quieter?

It's disappointing to see this happen in this day and age

Stopping the friendship won't necessarily rewire this sweet boy's personality. In fact, I can foresee difficulties ahead for the boy and his younger sisters with this sort of mentality. Biting my tongue, I thanked the mom for her honesty and proceeded to tell my daughter that her BFF still wanted to be friends, but only at school.

Refraining from mentioning the bossy comment, I explained that the boy's father wanted him to include more playdates with boys on the weekends.  

"But couldn't he still be friends with me at the same time?" my daughter asked. I couldn't argue with her logic, thinking she could teach the father a few things about relationships. Ultimately, my daughter processed the news better than I had hoped. And she moved on to friendships with both boys and girls. 

While it's disappointing that gender-coded words such as "bossy" live on, I hope my daughter's former BFF continues to be comfortable with girls taking the lead. Certainly, he could one day leverage those insights into his career, as well as into parenting happy and confident children of his own.

At the same time, I won't discourage my daughter from being assertive — even if it costs her playdates. To paraphrase Beyoncé, who helped launch a "ban bossiness" campaign in 2014, my daughter isn't bossy. She's the boss.

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