My 14-year-old has no friends - I worry for her future - inews

Angela*, 49, from London, tells i about a parenting fear that she is finding difficult to come to terms with.

My 14-year-old daughter has no friends, and I just can't fully get my head around why. It makes me so sad and worried for her.

She is painfully shy, but over the previous school years she's generally had one friend a year she's hung out with during the day, someone whose house she's gone round to, who has come round to ours. Going into year 10 this September, the girl she was friends with last year has joined a different group and she is now left solo. Looking back, I do wonder whether that one friend found it too intense being my daughter's only friend, which I can understand, but it's still really hard to watch.

Anyone she is ever friendly with seems to drift away after a few months. In primary school she was included most of the time, but towards the end there were some instances of her being left out of this group over and over again, and I think that has scarred her, as it was very upsetting.

If my daughter were really pushy or mean, or a know-it-all who nobody really liked spending time with, I'd better understand, but she's very sweet and kind. She isn't one to speak up or push to the front, and so she gets left behind without any real allies. I don't even get the sense people are unkind to her so much as they simply don't factor her in, or think of her at all.

What has been tough lately is watching her get invited to absolutely no sleepovers, when I know the other girls in her year are doing lots of that kind of thing. People have smaller parties now too, just with their best friends, and so she's never at any of those – the trip to see a show, a pizza restaurant, getting their nails done, or a cinema outing.

I see my friends' teenage daughters out having fun with their friends, but my daughter just spends time at home with my husband, me and her younger brother. It's lovely for us of course, that she enjoys our company, but I so want her to get out there. It keeps me awake at night, worrying about her future.

What's hard is that on the surface she seems like a typical teenage girl, she's into lots of the things that her peers are into – she likes clothes, she has started wearing a bit of makeup, she's got a good sense of humour, and she has plenty to say – but it seems like she never manages to translate any of that in social groups, away from home.

She never initiates conversations and is very dreamy and unfocused so even when someone tries with her, she seems not to continue the chat, and things get awkward really quickly. She also panics about interaction, I can see her look terrified if she's ever placed in a situation that might require effort with someone new. I know school can be rough, and there are lots of people who don't fit in, but I think she's missing out on so much.

Read Next

I have for a while wondered whether she even minded not having friends, and if so, who am I to say she needs them, and when she's home she seems content in her own company. She never tries to avoid school and doesn't seem anxious about her classes.

But lately she has opened up to me about how she spends break times alone, and she does wish she could go to a sleepover or a party. She has said she feels like she's "kind of invisible" which broke my heart. I spoke to her about being more assertive, and suggested she invite a couple of people over, because I know once she really feels comfortable with someone, she is much better. But she's too nervous to do that, she says.

Also, just because I found it easy to make friends at school doesn't mean I have any tips for her on how to make friends – I don't want to inadvertently compare her to me, either, as I doubt that's helpful for her to hear.

Her younger brother is much more sociable, and my husband and I have friends round a lot, and have exposed our daughter to people all her life. We're not an especially inward-looking, or introverted couple, and I've tried to instill my children with confidence. My daughter seems confident in the home, but nowhere else, and while being shy is in itself not such an issue, I am so concerned about how much it's holding her back.

Perhaps she simply hasn't found her people, and because teenagers can be so judgmental and subject to peer pressure, she might be better off at sixth form and beyond, into adulthood. A friend of mine says she was similar at school, but never found her social footing until she got her first job, and realised she prefers being friends with people a bit older than her. She has suggested I encourage my daughter to get a summer job when she goes to college, as she found that was great for her confidence and meeting people outside the school's teenage bubble.

I'm trying to remain positive, and to gently encourage her without showing her how sad all this is, but I can see her become more self conscious and apart from other people by the day, and also she's getting more down about it. She puts on a brave face, but I can tell.

I definitely never thought I'd be longing for my teenager to be out on a Friday night, but I really am! It's so tough to witness, as we know how amazing she is and don't want to change her, but friends are so important, as is asserting yourself. I don't want her to be "invisible", and she just needs to be given more of a chance.

Adblock test (Why?)