Friend can show support by attending a celebration of life for person ... - Oklahoman.com

Lillie-Beth Brinkman, Callie Athey and Helen Ford Wallace  |  Special to The Oklahoman

QUESTION: A friend recently lost his sister to cancer. I did not know her or his family personally but he mentioned the celebration of life was in the upcoming week. I got the feeling he wanted me to attend. Is it appropriate to attend as a supportive friend? Or is it more respectful to send a sympathy card?

CALLIE'S ANSWER: Of course it is appropriate to go and I'm sure greatly appreciated. Very kind of you to go to support your friend on what I'm sure will be a very tough day.

LILLIE-BETH'S ANSWER: I think going and supporting your friend in his grieving would mean a lot to him since he mentioned the celebration to you, as well. You don't have to stay long, and you can feel out the situation once you get there. Perhaps you can bring a card or a plant as well or send that to your friend separately. Any way that you can acknowledge his grieving is a lovely gesture of friendship.

HELEN'S ANSWER: It would be nice of you to support your friend by attending the services, particularly since he mentioned it to you. But you can also send a card and let him know that you are very sympathetic in the loss of his sister.

GUEST'S ANSWER: Joe Hight, director and member of the Oklahoma Journalism Hall of Fame, the journalism ethics chair at the University of Central Oklahoma and president/owner of Best of Books: Good friends often attend services for family members of people they know. You seem to be that type of friend. If it fits in your schedule, then attend the service. Your friend wanted to let you know about it because he may want your support. However, if you can't attend, don't feel obligated and send a sympathy card showing that support. Then give him a follow-up call to tell him how sorry you are about his loss.

Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth is 40-plus and Helen is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.

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