Don’t skip pre-marital counseling before walking down the aisle

CLEVELAND, Ohio – The stresses of finalizing wedding plans sit heavy on my mind most of the time, especially as our big day draws closer. But for this column, I'm going to step back to a chilly, rainy Saturday morning in April.

I arrived in a parochial school gym before 8 a.m., prompting flashbacks to my CYO sports days. But I wasn't there to watch any middle schoolers serve a volleyball or dribble down a basketball court. I was eating bagels and preparing for a 12-hour marriage counseling session.

Yes, you read that right: 12 hours.

Let's go back in time a little further. Not long after my fiancé Tom and I got engaged, we discussed whether we would go to any sort of pre-marital counseling. I had long preferred the idea of something secular. I have mentioned before in this column that Tom and I share an upbringing in the same Catholic faith, but my adherence to the faith has lapsed.

However, while Tom is also not a weekly churchgoer, he has stronger ties to his faith. He agreed when I asked that we get married outside of the church, but as part of the compromise, Tom asked if I would participate in Pre-Cana.

Pre-Cana is the name given to the marriage preparation retreat required for all marrying couples in the Catholic Diocese of Cleveland, according to the diocese's website. You are also able to participate if you are not marrying in the church, as we did. The name is derived from the story of the wedding in Cana, according to the Gospel of John in the New Testament of the Bible. The Bible states that at that wedding in Cana, Jesus Christ performed the miracle of turning water into wine.

I was hesitant to do Pre-Cana counseling, but not just because I am not currently a practicing Catholic. I was uneasy at the idea of not being able to fully express myself in a setting where others who are more devout would be. For example, Tom and I have lived together for years; the Catholic Church does not condone couples co-habitating before marriage. Was I supposed to stay quiet about that all day?

While I agreed to do it, I did not pressure Tom about finding a Pre-Cana session that worked with our busy schedule. If he found one, cool. If not, I'd be fine, too.

But he did find one – a marathon Pre-Cana session – and we went. Neither of us knew what to expect; we went in completely blind.

I won't bore you with the details of the day, but I'll note a couple of things that (pleasantly) surprised me. Firstly, all of the married couples involved in the Pre-Cana day were volunteers, and there were no priests. There was, however, a male deacon who was one-half of the volunteer couples.

The day was more casual than I anticipated. About 20 couples participated in the day. We sat together in the school's cafeteria and listened to a number of roughly 45-minute-long presentations from the volunteer couples on topics like marital finances and how to overcome everyday challenges.

After the presentations, couples were given topical writing prompts, and we split up to write down our answers honestly. We then came together after to compare our answers and discuss our thoughts and feelings. No one eavesdropped on each other, but you could tell from observing the room that deep, important exchanges took place that day. It felt good to know that Tom and I were on the same page about a lot of the subjects discussed, and ultimately, I was glad to have an outlet, or an opportunity, to solely focus on these conversations.

There were plenty of breaks, and all meals and snacks were provided. Tom and I mostly kept to ourselves, but we did chat a little with the volunteer married couples and other soon-to-be married couples like us. We were quite tired by the time we left the school around 8 p.m., but I wasn't leaving grumpy.

Sitting here, more than one month removed from Pre-Cana, I can honestly say that the day was a great chance to commit a full day, without distractions, to each other and our future plans. I also think it would be nice to go to a few secular counseling sessions together before our wedding, so we can speak even more honestly with each other in the presence of only one other objective observer. We'll see if we have time for that.

No matter whether you're religious, I think allocating a day, or days, to do a deep dive into core relationship matters – not everyday, ticky-tacky things – is important. Find a space where you feel comfortable and have those hard conversations. You'll be glad you had them before you say "I do."

This column is part of a series I'm writing on my wedding planning adventures ahead of my summer 2023 nuptials. If you have a topic that interests you; an anecdote you'd love for me to read; or thoughtful words of encouragement, you can email me at jmorice@cleveland.com or follow me on Twitter at @janemorice.

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